Football Ranters

“The cream always rises to the top, so if I’m as good as I hope to be some day, then I’m going to get that opportunity — whether here or somewhere else. But this is a great opportunity to learn and develop and to grow.”

-Kirk Cousins, Washington Redskins rookie backup/3rd string QB

Let’s be clear.  There’s only one way that Kirk Cousins is going to get an opportunity to be the starting quarterback of the Washington Redskins: if he straight up murders Robert Griffin III.  Crippling him isn’t even enough.  Mike Shanahan would send RG3 out there with one leg and Jason Peters’ busted Roll-A-Bout.  They would teach him to throw with his left hand if need be.  No, unfortunately for Kirk, he’s just going to have to kill Robert Griffin III.  Sorry bro, that’s a rough deal.  But this is the NFL, every man has gotta do what’s best for him and his family — and in this case that requires cold blooded murder.

PS- how fast do you think Kirk Cousins asked for Ray Lewis’ number after reading this?

“[Having TO at practice] was great for them. It’s good to be around that. I think it was good for them to see that’s what it takes if you want to play for a long time and you want to be successful and have yards and catches and touchdowns and all that and that’s what it takes to work.”

-Carson Palmer, Oakland Raiders quarterback

It’s funny because TO is a terrible influence on young wide receivers, and Carson Palmer has no idea what it’s like to have yards and catches and touchdowns and all that.

“The offensive line is definitely going to be a concern…and seeing where those guys fit in and seeing what five we go with. You know, if Gabe (Carimi) comes back, if J’Marcus (Webb) pans out (and) Chris Williams, where we’re going to put him … there are some question marks there. Until we really get that resolved, get our front five settled, we’ve got some work to do on the offense.”

-Jay Cutler, Chicago Bears quarterback

Kind of a lot to work with here, so let’s go bullet points today:

-First off, let’s just get it out of the way now.

We all knew it was coming.

Da Bears have had a garbage o-line since basically the dawn of time.  They couldn’t protect Jay Cutler if he was standing inside a panic room.  So this being said should be of no surprise to anyone.

-What is surprising is that this came from Jay Cutler.  Call me crazy, but insulting your own offensive line in the media probably isn’t the best way to endear them to you.  It is, however, a great way to get them to key your car, slash your tires, and take an upper-decker in your bathroom.

-Could Diabeetus here have come off as more of a pompous schoolboy prick?  ‘I’m deeply concerned about the offensive line.’  What a douchey thing to say.  Cause when you’ve never had a 30 TD or 8.0 YPA season, everyone else is the problem.  Definitely don’t focus on your own shortcomings.  It’s not as if Eli Manning just won the Super Bowl with the worst offensive line in the NFL.

-And finally…

F*ck Jay Cutler, amiright??

Happy Mothers Day Lesean McCoy!  Enjoy your special day!!

-Osi Umenyiora, New York Giants defensive end

Holy crap does it suck to be Lesean McCoy right now.  Not only is he getting shit-talked by Osi on twitter (which is perfectly equivalent to being slapped by a 13 year old girl in public), but he can’t even fire back with anything good because Osi can always end it with a “#RINGS” tweet.  It’s pretty unfair, in fact.  Like entering a boxing match with a handgun and telling the other fighter if he hits you, you’re gonna shoot him.  Not what you might call, “sporting.”  But the best outcome here would clearly be that Lesean just stays silent and stores up all this hate to unleash on Osi later this year.  Runs for 800 yards in two games and plows right through Osi’s bitchy-tweeting face ending this feud once and for all.

“It doesn’t make any sense to pay a guy $2 million and only expect him to have 60 or 65 receptions, or 70 receptions in [the Miami Dolphins] new offense. And also, if you don’t have a quarterback, it doesn’t matter who you have out there. You can bring Jerry Rice back in his prime and he’s not going to be effective. So it makes sense on a business end, and also the fit just philosophy-wise, wasn’t there. I can understand the change, and honestly this is the best move that could have happened for both sides.”

-Brandon Marshall, Chicago Bears wide receiver

Welp…the Ranter smells bullshit.  Marshall was talking about how glad he was that the Dolphins traded him to Da Bears so he could put up numbers with old buddy Jay “Diabeetus” Cutler.  Which of course means it’s time for one of my favorite posts:  Ranter’s Court!  I present the following evidence of wide receivers putting up huge numbers with shitty QBs to prove that Brandon Marshall just isn’t as good as he thinks he is.

Exhibit A: Larry Fitzgerald’s 2010 stat line.  Catching balls from the three headed monster of Derek Anderson, John Skelton and the immortal Max Hall (who???), Fitzgerald put up a measly 90 receptions, 1137 yards, and 6 TDs.  Seriously though, Larry Fitzgerald is insanely good.  Check out his wide receiver porn highlight reel here.

Exhibit B: Randy Moss’ 2005 stat line.  Catching balls from the drunken rampage that was a 33 year old Kerry Collins while simultaneously quitting on his team, Moss put up a pedestrian 60 receptions, 1005 yards, and 8 TDs.  Even at half speed with a drunken lunatic who completed just 53.5% of his passes, Randy was pretty good.

and finally, perhaps most damning…

Exhibit C: Brandon Marshall’s 2011 stat line.  Catching balls from the dual threat of Chad Henne and Matt Moore, Marshall put up a ‘Not Bad’ 81 receptions, 1214 yards and 6 TDs.  Both of Marshall’s personalities must have been happy with that stat line — he put up the highest yards per reception average of his career.  Time for more wide receiver porn!

I present to you, the jury of Lunatics (aka Brandon Marshall’s peers) the evidence above.  It proves beyond a reasonable doubt that great WRs produce even when their quarterbacks do not.  Also, Brandon Marshall is pretty good at this whole “playing football” thing.  Nonetheless, he needs to STFU and GTFO.  The prosecution rests.

“I gave my honest opinion [when I called Belichick a jerk]. It’s just how I felt. That’s how I feel. I feel that people let him slide when he says his smart remarks [about] certain things. He says comments about us. Talking about the best defense, [when Belichick said the Jets] can ‘suck my dick.’ All that stuff. That’s just ignorant. Why go there? You won fair and square. Hey, we shook your hand after the game. We’ll see you in New England or wherever in the playoffs, OK. But when you start saying stuff like that . . . it gets too personal. You don’t have to say that. . . . Did anybody else say anything like that? No. . . . Not from our side.”

-Darrelle Revis, New York Jets cornerback

Can’t really argue with Revis here.  It’s pretty clear the Dark Lord is huge douche.  But so what?  Revis’ mistake is assuming people care that he’s a huge douche.  America is a ‘me-first’ and ‘win-first’ country.  Bring home the victories and no one cares at all what your personality is like.  Ben Roethlisberger might have been the most reviled human on the planet for a time a few years ago.  Think anyone in Pittsburgh gave a crap as long as he kept lining up Lombardi trophies?  Hell, Eli Manning can’t even breathe through his nose and might be a direct descendant of Lenny from Of Mice and Men, but you don’t see Giants fans complaining.

So shut up and play win the game, Darrelle.

“It’s crazy how football players are killing our game. You signed up to play a violent game and made a lot of money now you talk bad about.”

-Roddy White, Atlanta Falcons wide receiver

Apparently not enough money to get grammar lessons, though.

“To me, [telling children not to play football is] sissification, and I think that’s the only way to put it. I will not go through my life scared and I don’t want my children to go through life scared. I started playing football when I was 8 years old and I would never not want to give that opportunity to my children.”

-LaVar Arrington, former Washington Redskins linebacker

Thank goodness someone said it.  We’re turning our kids into sissies!  Any 8 year old that can’t handle multiple concussions and still remember the play calls when the offense is coming downhill at them in the no-huddle is an 8 year old you can’t trust in the fight against communism when we inevitably go to war against China.  I mean how are we supposed to maintain our dominance as a world super power when we can’t even cause brain damage to our own children???

Will someone please think of the children!