We’re back! Yes, I realize that was something of an annoying hiatus, but in case you hadn’t heard: THERE WAS A FUCKING HURRICANE. Not like that bullshit Irene last year, either. This shit was real.
In any case, the power is on, The Danchise is back from his hurricane bunker in an undisclosed location out of state, and we’re bringing you a brand new podcast to thank you for your patience. (We’re also doing it because that’s just sort of what we do, but that point is neither here nor there.)
In this week’s episode: Terry Bradshaw is a racist numbnuts, the Chiefs do terrible things because they are terrible and Bill Belichick may or may not be overrated. All that, plus HOUSE, Week 10 picks and Brandon Weeden’s colon! Try not to puke, Lunatics.
Oh, and the podcast will also be up shortly on WebTalkRadio.net, if you prefer that means of retrieval.
Do you like trolls? Do you like football? Do you like football trolls, like Richard Sherman and Patrick Willis? If you said “yes” to any of those questions, you’re going to love this week’s edition of the Football Ranters podcast, available now below and shortly on WebTalkRadio.net.
Beyond the exploits of Misters Sherman and Willis, in this week’s episode we also get into the idiocy of firing the coordinator of your best unit, the ineptitude of a certain quarterback who plays in San Diego, the Stooge-like exploits of special teams in Tampa Bay and what happens when you drive like a derailed freight trains through the streets of Pittsburgh. All that, plus some maybe relevant Week 7 picks! All for you, Lunatics.
“I’m homophobic just like I’m arachnophobic.I have nothing against homosexuals or spiders but I’d still scream if I found one in my bathtub !”
-Brandon Spikes, New England Patriots’ Linebacker
Listen man, I feel you. We’ve all been there. One moment you’re out at a party, having fun, throwing back a few beers, laughing with your friends. Next minute: BOOM! You wake up, there are gays in your bathtub, spiders have eaten your girlfriend and you don’t know which way is up. All you care about is getting out of there before the gays throw their magic homo-glitter at you and turn you into Wes Welker at the Kentucky Derby.
Seen it a thousand times. What a tragic story.
Listen, Lunatics: sometimes, despite a person’s best efforts, bad things happen. If you don’t believe me, just watch 5 minutes of any Jets game from this season. Mark Sanchez is the living embodiment of the point I’m trying to convey here.
That point is this: we fucked up not having a podcast last week. I don’t know how, I don’t why and I don’t know who, but it happened. Ranter & I definitely recorded a podcast, but for whatever reason, it did not make it’s way to you, the listeners. For that, you have our apologies.
But also, beyond out apologies, you also have a new podcast, along with last week’s missing episode! Both are below for your listening pleasure, and we’ll continue to post podcasts here going forward, as well as on WebTalkRadio.net. That way we have a backup plan when things go awry…unlike the Kansas City Chiefs, who have only Brady Quinn and a rabbit’s foot keychain.
Enjoy, Lunatics. And forgive us.
“I’m not sure what we’ll do [about beleaguered kicker Billy Cundiff]. I never say anything right after a game. You let 24 hours go by and collect your thoughts and make decisions on what you think gives you the best chance to win.”
-Mike Shanahan, Washington Redskins’ head coach
“If I made decisions right after a game, I’d fire myself basically every week, amiright haha??”
“But seriously, it’s the only way I get through the day.”
-Non-published Shanahan quotes
“Jay [Cutler] and I are good. I really admired his play the other night. I really admire how he’s bought in. It’s an emotional game. Sometimes I’m sure we all wish we could handle some things differently. Not to say that he should have handled that differently, but it’s an emotional game. Jay and I are fine. I wish they would have got the clip at the end of the game where he smacked me on the rear end. They didn’t show that one. I wish they would have shown that one. And I smacked him back.”
-Mike Tice, Chicago Bears’ offensive coordinator
This after numerous hilarious gifs were posted of the emotastic Jay Cutler running away from Mike Tice at warp speed during Monday night’s game. I love how this quote makes the 6’7 Tice seem likes he’s the abused spouse of Jay Cutler in a homoerotic sadomasochist relationship. “Jay and I are good, really!” “He didn’t mean to hit me in public, it was just an emotional moment!” “In fact I like that! Jay smacks my ass and I like it! No one gets to see that though, because the tapes are private.” “But seriously, if you want to watch Jay dominate my submissive-catcher ass, just let me know. We’ve got the tapes.”
“[J.J. Watt] is not anything special. I locked him down most of the game except those two plays.”
-Leroy Harris, Tennessee Titans’ guard
HATE HATE HATE HATE! Now this is inspired hate. I want everyone to look to this as an example of exactly how hating is supposed to be done. For those that don’t know, Texans’ defensive end JJ Watt leads the NFL in sacks with 7.5. He is in just his second year in the NFL. He has been an absolute force from the moment he entered the league. He even had two sacks in yesterday’s game against the Titans. Considering the fact that if a defensive player were to average two sacks per game over the course of a season, he would shatter the all time single season sack record (22.5 by Michael Strahan). On this pace, JJ Watt is demolishing that record. And yet, Leroy Harris says that Watt isn’t anything special. Awesome. Just absolutely top-notch hating. This man went to the Ice-T school of hate. I bet Leroy Harris hates on oxygen for taking up so much space everywhere.
PS- Incidentally, other things that Leroy Harris believes to be true:
-Japan won World War II except for those two bombs.
-George W. Bush was a great president except for those two wars.
-The Patriots always beat the Giants except for those two Super Bowls.
“I believe in accountability, not excuses. And I regret we were not able to secure an agreement sooner in the process and avoid the unfortunate distractions to the game. You deserve better.”
Right, which is why the owners have stepped forward to apologize for their role in Refpocalypse 2012 as well. Oops, no, they sent their lackey Goodell out to do it for them. Every one of those billionaire shits should apologize to the fans personally. Basically we should all just demand of the owners what William Wallace demanded of King Longshanks in Braveheart.
Oh yea, and they should give us some of their money too. That’s a big one.
Just in time for real refs to come back, it’s our Week 3 podcast on WebTalkRadio.net!
Lunatics, if you’re anything like me, your fantasy team is already an atrocious poop stain that has no shot of winning anything. And if so, you’re in luck! Our guest this week is Matt Reinsch from OptimizedFantasySports.com, and he has developed a powerful decision making tool to help you draft better next season. There’s hope for you yet!
Also, as you might expect, we’re going to be talking just a weeeee bit about that embarrassment of a cock block in Seattle, plus You Fucking Suck, HOUSE and our Week 3 picks. Don’t put any money down until you hear this, Lunatics.
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