Good afternoon, Lunatics.  Here’s the Football Ranter’s 2012 mock draft quatro.  We’ve got numbers from the scouting combine in now, so we’ll give you those to go along with the picks.  To keep up with future updates to the mock, may I recommend subscribing to our RSS feed? Perhaps following us on Twitter, or liking us on Facebook? Choose your favorite or choose them all– just don’t be left in the dark, Lunatics.

Fun starts after the jump.

1. Indianapolis Colts (2-14): Andrew Luck, QB Stanford

Is one miserable year worth it to draft a QB with as much potential as Andrew Luck?  Goddamn right it is!  The Colts’ roster is an absolute dumpster fire.  After years of horseshit drafts by the Polians, this is easily among the worst constructed rosters in the NFL.  Fortunately for Indy fans, the Polians have been canned for this travesty.  Hallelujah, this move was only 3 years too late.  Plus, the one position they should be set at (QB) is up in the air because no one knows how Peyton will come back from his neck injury.  Worse than that is all the Peyton-related drama that’s been going down between the Godfather and the King of Twitter.  The point is, it’s looking more and more likely that Peyton will either retire, be unable to play, or be traded.  With a new coaching staff in place, this becomes the painfully obvious choice for the Horseshoes.  Is Griffin a possibility here?  Yes.  But even after running a 4.41 40 at the combine, it seems Luck remains the consensus #1 pick.

2. TRADE: Cleveland Browns (4-12): Robert Griffin III, QB Baylor

It’s being widely speculated that the Browns are going to trade up for RG3.  The only question is whether or not the Redskins or Dolphins will offer a better package for Griffin than the Browns will.  Since the Browns are the only one of those teams with a second first-round selection in the 2012 draft, Cleveland has the most to offer.  Will Czar Mike Holmgren be willing to give up 2 first rounders this year for the right to draft RG3?  I truly hope for the sake of Browns fans everywhere that Holmgren wakes up from his food coma and realizes Colt McCoy isn’t good enough to be a franchise QB and pays what he has to for Griffin.  RG3 has pretty much everything you look for in a QB and would give Browns fans hope they haven’t had since…uhh…well maybe ever.

3. Minnesota Vikings (3-13): Matt Kalil, LT USC

This pick is so easy it’s not even funny.  The Vikings don’t have a left tackle.  I know they run Charlie Johnson out there every week, but he’s not a left tackle.  He’s not even a human, he is a meat popsicle.  While I still hate the Christian Ponder pick from last year, he’s their horse now and they need to protect him.  This pick is complicated slightly by the fact that Adrian Peterson looks as if he’ll be out until week 7 next year, so Trent Richardson could be in play (as crazy as that sounds).  But since the Vikes already have some exceptional playmakers on offense (that Percy Harvin guy is OK), a new LT is the natural choice.  Especially with the trade speculation, it seems more and more likely that the Vikings will get the virtual Christmas gift that is Matt Kalil falling to them at #3.  There has been talk of Riley Reiff going before Kalil, but I’ll be stunned if that happens in reality.

4. St. Louis Rams (2-14): Morris Claiborne, CB LSU

The Rams waved goodbye to Steve Spagnuolo and Bill Devaney but the problems with the roster remain.  The good news is that new management usually means a new roster, which is fine since the Rams roster is like the Colts 2.0, but somehow worse.  They’ve got the QB and the pass rush, but neither are quite as good as the Colts’ (with the Godfather back).  They could pick any of the top players here and it would help their roster tremendously.  A WR makes sense because their offense is entirely devoid of playmakers (Brandon Lloyd is a free agent and wants to go to New England).  Plus, Jeff Fisher loves to draft WRs — out of 145 total picks dating back to 1994 Fisher selected a whopping twenty-one (21!!) wideouts.  That’s 14.5% of the time or roughly every 7 selections.  However, rumors have already been circulating that Fisher likes Morris Claiborne, and Fisher has 4 times in his career selected a defensive back with his top pick, so he clearly values the position highly.

5. Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-12): Trent Richardson, RB Alabama

The Buccaneers have jack shit at cornerback and they know it.  Aqib Talib is fantastic, but the only thing he’ll be defending next year is his own rectum in a prison shower since he’s going to do time for a felony.  Other starting CB Ronde Barber will probably retire.  It was reported that the Bucs loved Alfonzo Dennard, but now that Raheem Morris is gone I’ve got them taking the highest rated CB available.  Claiborne would be the easy pick here, especially since new head coach Greg Schiano is a disciplinarian who will stress character — eliminating any shot Dre’ Kirkpatrick (weed possession arrest) and Janoris Jenkins (had to transfer because of drug issues) had of being the upset pick here.  Unfortunately, Jeff Fisher got to him first.  So instead the Bucs help replace the under-producing and reportedly lazy LeGarrette Blount.  Don’t rule out Melvin Ingram as a stunner either — Schiano has no obligation to last year’s top DE selections Da’Quan Bowers and Adrian Clayborn, and Ingram’s stock is at all-time high right now.

6. Washington Redskins (5-11): Jonathan Martin, OT Stanford

The ‘Skins have a shot to trade up for RG3, but since I’ve got the Browns taking him ahead of the ‘Skins, he’s not an option here.  It seems more and more likely Shanahan will try to trade for the Godfather a veteran QB rather than reach for Ryan Tannehill or Brock Osweiler at #6 overall.  What Shanahan has valued consistently high though, is the offensive tackle position.  The Redskins have no idea what they’re going to get from Jammal Brown due to injury concerns, and Trent Williams is now one pot bust away from a year-long football hiatus.  Check out this great summary of Shanahan’s draft tendencies — he rarely takes a QB near the top, yet clearly values the tackle position highly.  He also seems to prefer bigger tackles who can run-block over the nimbler pass blockers.  Enter Jonathan Martin, who’s best attribute is his run-blocking, but has the potential to be an excellent pass-blocker as well.  Yes, this is a bit of a reach.  But Shanahan isn’t afraid to take an OT higher than expected if he likes them.  Martin would hopefully solidify the right tackle slot and provide some insurance in the event of a Trent Williams injury/drug bust.  Of course, Reily Reiff is the consensus higher rated OT, so he could easily be the pick here.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-11): Justin Blackmon, WR Oklahoma State

The Jagoffs have a ton of needs, but a wide receiver is chief among them.  I don’t think they could pass on Blackmon if he somehow makes it past the Rams and Bucs.  Blackmon isn’t going to solve Blaine Gabbert’s issues at QB all by himself, but uhh…at least they probably won’t have to draft a wideout next year when they inevitably pick in the top 5?  Sorry Jaguars fans, I don’t have much good news for you here.  Walterfootball astutely has Melvin Ingram here as well, which is a legit possibility since the Jagoffs need a pass rusher and Ingram crushed souls at the combine.

8. Miami Dolphins (6-10): Quinton Coples, DE North Carolina

The Dolphins will undoubtedly be in on the bidding for the second pick and the right to take RG3.  Unfortunately for them, the odds say they’ll finish third in that contest behind the Browns and Redskins.  So where to go from there?  The hire of former Packers’ offensive coordinator Joe “Regis” Philbin makes me believe the ‘Fins will be trading for/signing Matt Flynn from the Packers.  Plus, Philbin has already said that the team will be switching to the 4-3 defense this year, a strange move considering the team’s defense played pretty well out of the 3-4 look last year.  Since they are switching though, they can take the top 4-3 DE prospect in this draft to play opposite Cameron Wake.  Coples fills a need, is one of the best players available, and probably smells nice too.  Bingo bango, he’s the Dolphins’ pick.

9. Carolina Panthers (6-10): Dre Kirkpatrick, CB Alabama

The Panthers defense is a shit-laden wreck waiting to be pushed off a cliff into oblivion.  They need help everywhere, but their secondary is particularly putrid.  I’ve gone back and forth on this pick a dozen times between CB, DT and an OT.  This week, the wheel landed on CB.  Dre Kirkpatrick didn’t have the world’s greatest combine, but he still has a lot of good game tape and ideal size for a CB.  The Panthers could do a lot worse here than Kirkpatrick, but as always, keep guys like Reilly Reiff, Devon Still, and Dontari Poe in mind here.

10. Buffalo Bills (6-10): Melvin Ingram, DE South Carolina

The Bills are an out of control train wreck plowing into a school full of children and puppies.  Yes, that is literally the same exact line I wrote last year in my first mock draft for the Bills.  I don’t care that they finished 2 games better than last year, the situation hasn’t gotten any better.  The defense is still atrocious, the offensive line is still pathetic, and Chan Gailey keeps waving his penis around on the sidelines instead of coaching.  Apparently Chan Gailey spoke recently about how the Bills need to get after the quarterback.  They’re switching to the 4-3 and need a quality pass rusher to help them do that.  Melvin Ingram has elite athleticism and fits the…”Bill” (see what I did there?).

11. Kansas City Chiefs (7-9): Riley Reiff, OT Iowa

OK, OK.  My pick of RB Lamar Miller last week was a little out of left field.  Even I didn’t like it very much.  Fortunately, this mock makes the choice much easier.  Reiff is the consensus second rated OT in this draft.  I’d be stunned if the Chiefs passed on him if he somehow falls to them.  They could also consider NT Dontari Poe here, opening up the possibility of being the only team in the NFL with an “all first-round bust” defensive line if Poe doesn’t work out.  I know which one I’m rooting for!

12. Seattle Seahawks (7-9): Nick Perry, ROLB/DE USC

And David DeCastro is back in play, people!  But seriously, I saw another mock this week that had the Seachickens selecting DeCastro, which has to be a cruel joke — unless Pete Carrol intends to institute a 7-man o-line with 4 guards.  Instead I see the Seachickens addressing the defensive side of the ball.  Many other mocks have them taking a CB here, but for now I don’t see it.  Carroll took 3 DBs in last year’s draft (admittedly all of them were 5th or 6th rounders) and the Seachickens are tied for 19th in the NFL in sacks with 33, but they have just two more sacks than the 26th ranked team.  The team has Red Bryant and Chris Clemons at DE now, but Clemons, while solid, is already 30.  Meanwhile Red Bryant weighs 323lbs and is totally miscast as a 4-3 defensive end- the only way he gets near a QB is if he runs into one at Red Lobster.  The other d-lineman on the roster are deplorable too, so there’s really no internal solution.  Nick Perry is a rising star, comes from USC (where Carroll made his name), has the size and speed to play in the 4-3, and fills a huge need for the chickens.  And why not Ryan Tannehill?  Because clearly Pistol Pete Carroll thinks he can win with Tarvaris Suckson.  He’s wrong, but I still think he sticks with Jackson and drafts a QB like Kirk Cousins or Brandon Weeden in the mid rounds.

13. Arizona Cardinals (8-8): David DeCastro, G Stanford

The Cardinals have a ton of needs, but this pick can probably be narrowed down to the pass rush and the offensive line.  The Cards somehow finished tied for 7th in the NFL in sacks (seriously, what the fuck is wrong with the NFL in 2011????), but they’re getting 2 and 3 sack contributions from a number of players — no one on their defense has more than Calais Campbell’s 8.0.  And yes, Sam Acho did have 7.0, which is encouraging.  But they could still use a premier pass rusher.  However, Ken Wisenhunt is on the hot seat, and he knows it.  If he wants to make a run this year, he needs to keep de facto franchise QB Kevin Kolb healthy.  They could reach for OT Mike Adams, but why bother when the top guard prospect in the draft is still on the board?  DeCastro should help keep Kolb upright and isn’t a huge reach at this point, even though the Ranter never recommends taking a guard in the first round.  If the Cards go defense, Courtney Upshaw and Whitney Mercilus will be in play.

14. Dallas Cowboys (8-8): Janoris Jenkins, CB North Alabama

Welp, I didn’t believe he’d do it, but scumbag Jerry Jones made me look like an asshole by taking the first o-lineman he had ever selected in the first round instead of picking Prince Amukamara like he should have.  No, I don’t give a fuck that Prince missed like 10 games with a busted vagina, then came back and sucked huge dick before getting benched by old man Coughlin while Tyron Smith has been junk-punching opposing DEs for most of the year.  I SHOULD HAVE BEEN RIGHT, DAMMIT.  Well this year Jerry will see the error of his ways and grab that cornerback the ‘Boys desperately need.  Janoris Jenkins is one of the top talents available here and while Jenkins’ history is rough, Jerry Jones regularly overlooks those issues.  Some picks just make too much sense from their inception — this is one of them.

15. Philadelphia Eagles (8-8): Luke Kuechly, MLB Boston College

I know, I know.  Andy Reid’s first round picks are always along the lines.  But they already have Trent Cole, Jason Babin and the invisible man Brandon Graham (he played in a whole 3 games this year!) at DE.  Graham has looked bustacular thus far, but I don’t think Fat Andy is ready to give up on him yet.  Plus, he’s literally never taken a LB in the first round…ever.  But it doesn’t matter.  LB is such a glaring hole on this roster and Kuechly is such a unique talent that I don’t think Fat Andy will be able to pass him up.

16. New York Jets (8-8): Courtney Upshaw, ROLB Alabama  

I don’t love this selection after Upshaw’s performance at the combine.  Not that he was terrible, but he supposedly looked bad in the coverage drills, thereby lessening his value to a 3-4 team like the Jets.  Still, he looked great at the Senior Bowl, had an excellent college career, and has experience in the 3-4 defense.  If the Jets prefer to roll the dice on Whitney Mercilus, that could work too.  Trading down would be an option here too, and it’s not a bad one.

17. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7) [from Oakland (8-8)]: Zach Brown, OLB North Carolina

The Bungles offense looks pretty set for now, but they lost Jonathan Joseph to free agency last year and Leon Hall to injury this year.  Bottom line, they need corner help or they’re going to be spending a lot of time getting fucked by the long dick of the AFC North, right?  Well that’s true, but their issues at LB are almost as pressing.  Rey Maualuga just got in trouble for getting into a bar fight, Keith Rivers has been perpetually injured, and Manny Lawson is a free agent.  Basically, the Bengals have one functional linebacker on the roster.  Brown’s presence on the outside would be a big boost for this defense and allow Maualuga to stay inside the box, where he plays best, more often.

18. San Diego Chargers (8-8): Whitney Mercilus, DE Illinois

Another year, another underachieving San Diego team that has a hot December and convinces owner Dean Spanos to continue on with AJ Smith and Norv Turner even though they’re inept.  Someone needs to call up the hypnotoad to have word with Spanos, because if the Chargers want to win, they need the following items in order of importance: 1) AJ Smith committed to a mental institution, 2) Norv Turner killed; 3) Norv Turner fired, 4) Norv Turner’s head on a pike in front of their home stadium as a message to future coaches, 5) protection for Philip Rivers, and 6) a defense that can actually stop a disabled turtle from reaching the end zone.  Mercilus is a one-year wonder, but hot damn what a year it was.  Dontari Poe is in play here too, especially since the Chargers look ready to release Luis Castillo.

19. Chicago Bears (8-8): Michael Floyd, WR Notre Dame

Da Bears definitely still need help along the o-line, but Michael Floyd is the best player available here.  He would give Jay Cutler the #1 target he desperately needs.  If this pick actually comes to pass, Bears fans will be on full blown “jizz in your pants” alert.

20. Tennessee Titans (9-7): Cordy Glenn, G Georgia

The Titans took Jake Locker last year, and he’ll likely be the starter after sitting behind Matty Nice this season.  They need to protect him and also try to get Chris Johnson going in the run game (despite a couple of  standout performances, he’s choked on dicks all year.  And no, I’m not a bitter fantasy owner…not at all).  Cordy Glenn had an impressive combine and this looks like the range he’ll go in.  A fair match of need and value here for the Titans.

21. Cincinnati Bengals (9-7): Stephon Gilmore, CB South Carolina

Stephon Gilmore at #21 overall?  Ranter, did you start smoking crack again?  No, I never stopped in the first place.  But hear me out.  The Bengals have Leon Hall and Nate Clements at corner now.  Clements has played well, but will be 33 next season.  Meanwhile Hall was just lost for the year to an injury that usually requires two years to fully recover from.  Gilmore had consistency issues at South Carolina, but is a world class talent.  Necessity is the mother of invention, and the Bengals need to get a corner — even if it means reaching for one.  OK, there.  Can I go back to my crack pipe now?

22. St. Louis Rams (2-14) [from Atlanta (10-6) through Cleveland (4-12)]: Stephen Hill, WR Georgia Tech

I’ve got the Rams getting this pick after trading down with the Browns.  Truthfully, whether it’s the Rams or Browns picking here, a wide receiver makes sense.  The only question is, which one?  Hill blew people away with his combination of size and speed at the combine.  So while this is aggressive, there seems to be one wideout every year that goes way higher than expected (Demaryius Thomas, Jonathan Baldwin, etc.).  This year it’s Hill.

23. Detroit Lions (10-6):  Dontari Poe, NT Memphis Mike Adams, OT Ohio State

Gotcha!  Yes it would be funny to watch the Lions spend 3 straight first rounders on massive DTs, but it just seems unlikely.  So at long last, here is that offensive line help Matthew Stafford has been begging for since his rookie year.  I happen to think Adams is overrated and won’t have the speed to play on the blind side, but apparently some teams view him as a top-15 pick.  Either way, it’s unlikely he’ll be much worse than either a 34 year old Jeff Backus (who is a free agent) or Gosder Cherilus, whose #1 google search term is “Gosder Cherilus bust.”  Center Peter Konz from Wisconsin is also an option here.

24. Pittsburgh Steelers (12-4): Dontari Poe, NT Memphis

Casey Hampton is 34 years old, often injured, and likely to be a cap casualty.  The Steelers need a huge space eater to fill his shoes and the 346lb speed-demon Poe fits that role perfectly.  Many believe Poe will go much higher than this, so all the better for the Steel City if he falls into Pittsburgh’s lap.

25. Denver Broncos (8-8): Michael Brockers, DT LSU

The Broncos overachievment this year has much less to do with Tim Tebow and much more to do with the play of the resurgent Broncos’ defense.  It’s more likely they bring in a veteran to compete with Tebow than draft Ryan Tannehill here now.  The defense which helped them win a lot of games in the middle of the year was exposed against the Patriots.  Von Miller and Elvis Dumervil are both liabilities against the run, so the Broncos could use help along the line.  Brockers should help them stuff the run inside and has shown the ability to get after the QB as well.

26. Houston Texans (10-6): Peter Konz, C Wisconsin

This is a tough spot for Houston, as none of the top players really fit their biggest needs.  On the other hand, it does look as if top Center Chris Myers will get a big contract outside of Houston, so he’ll need to be replaced.  Konz had a somewhat disappointing combine, but should still go in the bottom of the first round.

27. TRADE: Washington Redskins (5-11) [From New Orleans (13-3) through New England (13-3)]: Ryan Tannehill, QB Texas A&M

There is literally a 0% chance the Dark Lord keeps this pick.  The Redskins have already expressed a willingness to deal picks and move up for RG3, but here they’ll have to settle for spending a little less and moving up to grab Tannehill here at the bottom of the first round.  The Pats are almost certain to deal this pick, the crapshoot is whether or not the Redskins will pull the trigger to move up.  If the Dark Lord somehow makes a selection here, jot down SS Mark Barron or DTs Devon Still and Fletcher Cox.

28. Green Bay Packers (15-1): Vinny Curry, DE/ROLB Marshall

Well the combine pretty much put all those “Chandler Jones is the next JPP” absurdities to rest after he ran just a 4.85 40 yard dash.  Vinny Curry ran the same time, but was far more productive in college.  Chandler could still be the pick if the Pack likes his upside, but Curry seems like the safer bet to be a productive player across from Clay Matthews.

29.Baltimore Ravens (12-4): Devon Still, DT/DE Penn State

The Ravens have needed some d-line help for a while now, as there’s not a lot there to love aside from Haloti N’Gata.  Many still have Dont’a Hightower as the pick, but his ability to cover is suspect at 265lbs, and the Ravens may prefer a small linebacker for their 3-4 defense.  Still should help the pass rush and occupy blockers for whoever is playing MLB in a couple years.

30. San Francisco 49ers (13-3): Kendall Wright, WR/KR Baylor

I can’t believe I’m going to write this sentence, but the Niners are pretty set at most of the positions on their roster.  Holy god was I wrong about this team.  They could use another defensive lineman, or they could try to find a OT to replace the fat and unusable Anthony Davis, though I’m not sure Harboooooooooooooow will give up on a 1st round pick from just two years ago.  Where they are a bit weak is at the WR position, where Braylon Edwards…well he Braylon Edwards’d himself, and Crabtree has had more success catching fake FG passes than real ones from Alex Smith.  Wright should help improve the offense so it’s not totally 1 dimensional in the passing game (Vernon Davis being the only dimension of use to this team right now).  Wright falling this far would be an incredible value for the Niners, who should jump all over it.

31. New England Patriots (13-3): Fletcher Cox, DE/DT Mississippi State

The Patriots defensive issues are well documented.  The corner and safety play has been atrocious.  Cox ran very well for his size at the combine and should be able to help this defense.  I also believe he’s the superior prospect to the overrated SS Mark Barron, who has issues in coverage.  If the Pats hung on to their earlier pick and took a d-lineman, then Barron would be in play here.

32. New York Giants (9-7): Kelechi Osemele, G Iowa State

The now Super Bowl champion New York Giants are far from perfect, but the most glaring need on their roster is along the offensive line.  Osemele would be an excellent addition at guard and may even have the ability to play right tackle due to his extremely long arms.  Many have Clemson Tight End Dwayne Allen going here, but Jerry Reese’s draft history shows he feels he can get good tight ends in the later rounds.

Check back soon for updates.   Also don’t forget to check out Walterfootball.com for their mock, it’s a fantastic site with great info.

Until next time, Lunatics.